Chapter 143 : Chapter 143 Honoring Father and Mother

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§1

You must be extremely careful to honor and revere your father and mother for Scripture compares their honor and reverence to the honor and reverence you must have for the Almighty. It is written, "Honor your father and mother;"¹Exodus 20:12. It is also written, "Honor Hashem with your substance."²Proverbs 3:9. With regards to your father and mother it is written, "Every man must revere his mother and his father;"³Leviticus 19:3. and it is written, "You shall fear Adonoy your God."⁴Deuteronomy 6:13. Just as He commanded us to honor and fear His great Name so He commanded us to honor and revere them. Three partners share in the formation of man: The Holy One, Blessed is He, his father, and his mother. (The man contributes, the woman contributes, and the Holy One, Blessed is He, breathes a soul into him, endows him with eye sight, hearing and speech.) When man honors his father and mother, the Holy One, Blessed is He, says, "I account it to them as though I dwelt among them, and they honored Me."

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§2

How are they to be revered? You must not occupy his [your father's] designated place in the council of elders and with his friends, or the designated place in which he prays, and you must not sit in his designated place at his dining table. You must not contradict his words, or even corroborate his words in his presence, even to say "Father is right." To what extent must you revere them? If you were dressed in costly clothing and presiding over the assembly and your father or mother came and tore your clothing, struck you on the head and spat in your face, you must not embarrass them, or show distress in their presence or anger towards them; but you must be silent and fear the King who is King of Kings, the Holy One, Blesed is He, Who so commanded.⁵Nevertheless, if you are able to prevent them from doing these things, you are permitted to do so. (Rema 240:8) But you may summon them to Beis Din for the damages they inflicted on you.

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§3

How are they to be honored? You should provide them with food and drink, with clothing and shelter, escort them to their home and escort them from their home. You must provide these services cheerfully, for even if you provide them daily with choice poultry but do so with ill grace you will incur Divine punishment.

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§4

If your father or mother is asleep and the key to your store is under their pillow, it is forbidden to awaken them even if it means losing a large profit. However, if your father would profit by being awakened and if not awakened will be distressed by the loss of profit, it is a mitzvah to wake him since that will make him happy Likewise, it is a mitzvah to waken him to go to the synagogue or to perform any other mitzvah because everyone is obligated to honor the Holy One, Blessed is He.

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§5

If you need a favor from the townsmen and you know they will grant your wish for your father's sake, even though you know that they would also do it for your sake, you should not say, "Do it for my sake," but rather, "Do it for me for my father's sake," in order to attribute the honor to your father.

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§6

If you did something your mother told you to do and subsequently your father asks you, "Who told you to do this?" and you sense that if you said your mother told you, your father will be angry at your mother, you must not say to him that your mother told you to do it, even though as a result, your father will be angry with you.

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§7

You must stand up in the presence of your father and your mother.

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§8

You must honor your parents even after their death. If you mention them within twelve months after their passing, whether you do so orally or in writing you should say or write, "May I be an atonement in his stead" (i.e., I take (accept) upon myself all the evil [punishment] that would be inflicted upon his soul), or may I be an atonement in her stead. After twelve months have transpired (since he would have already received any punishment due him, for [even] the judgement in Gehinom of the wicked of Israel does not exceed twelve months), you should say or write, "May his memory be a blessing in the life of the World to Come" or "May her memory be a blessing in the life of the World to Come."

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§9

Even if your father is wicked and a sinner you must honor and fear him.⁶Shulchan Aruch 240:18. Even a bastard is obligated to honor and fear his father. Others say⁷Tur, Rema. you need not honor your father, if he is wicked, so long as he did not repent, but you are forbidden to cause him grief. You should be stringent and follow the first opinion.

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§10

If you see your father transgress a Scriptural [Torah] Law, you must not say to him, "You transgressed a Scriptural [Torah] Law." Rather say to him, "Father, is such and such not written in the Torah," as though you are asking him a question and not as though you are admonishing him. Your father will then himself realize [his error] and thus will not be humiliated.

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§11

If your father told you to transgress a Scriptural Law whether it be a positive or negative command or even a Rabbinical injunction, you must not obey him, for it is written, "Every man shall revere his mother and father and you shall preserve My Shabbos, I am Adonoy your God."⁸Leviticus 19,3. Shabbos is positioned in the same verse [that instructs you to fear] your father and mother to teach: "Even though I command you to fear your father and mother, if your parent tells you to desecrate the Shabbos you must not listen to him. This is true for all the mitzvos. [For] I am Adonoy your God. Both you and your father are bound to honor Me. You must therefore not listen to him to disregard My word." Rabbinical injunctions are also the commands of Hashem, Blessed be His Name, as it is written, "You shall not turn aside," etc. If your father told you not to speak to a certain person, and not to forgive him; but you would like to be reconciled; you should not be concerned with your father's order, as you are forbidden to hate any Jew unless you see him commit a sin. Thus your father has ordered you to transgress a law of the Torah.

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§12

If you want to go to a certain place to study Torah because there you will accomplish more than you will here, and your father disapproves for some reason, you do not have to listen to your father, for learning Torah is greater than the precept of honoring father and mother. (Similarly, we find that when our father Yaakov, peace unto him, went away from [his father] Yitzchok, he secreted himself in the Beis Midrash of Eiver for 14 years and immersed himself in Torah study. Afterwards, he went to Lavan's house and stayed away twenty two years, including journey time. He was punished for the twenty two years during which he did not fulfill the mitzvah of honoring his father, and Joseph's whereabouts was concealed from Him for twenty-two years, but for the fournteen years during which he studied Torah, he was not punished.) If the son wishes to get married and the father disapproves he need not listen to him.

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§13

Both men and women are obligated to respect their father and mother. However, a married woman owes her devotion to her husband and is thus exempt from honoring her father and mother. But if her husband has no objection, she is obligated to honor them as much as possible.

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§14

Whoever disgraces his father or mother even by words or gesture is among those whom the Almighty has cursed. As it said,⁹Deuteronomy 27:16. "Cursed is one who disgraces his father or mother."

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§15

If your parent has a splinter you should not remove it for you might thereby make a wound (which is a prohibition punishable by strangulation). Also, if the son is a doctor, he may not bleed them and may not perform surgery on them, even though his intent is to cure them. This is true only when someone else can do it. But if no one else is available to do it, and they are suffering, he may bleed them and operate, as is required for healing.

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§16

If senility or insanity should effect the mind of your father or mother, you should try to deal with them in accordance with their mental status until Hashem will have mercy on them. But if it is impossible for you to endure because of their severe retardation, you may leave them, and delegate others to take proper care of them.

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§17

It is forbidden to place a burdensome yoke on your children, and be exacting in demanding honor from them, so as not to cause them to sin. You should rather forgive them, and overlook things, for if a father waives his honor his honor is waived.¹⁰Even if he waives his honor, you still are rewarded for the mitzvah if you honor him. (Radvaz Response 554)

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§18

It is forbidden to hit your grown up son. Grown up, in this context, does not refer to age but on the nature of your son. If there is reason to believe he will attack you either verbally or physically, even if he is not yet Bar Mitzvah, you are forbidden to hit him.¹¹Birkei Yosef-Ritvah. But the Rema 240:20 says this applies only to a son who is at least 22 or 24 years old. The Rashal says that only if he is 24 years old is the father excommunicated. Instead you should admonish him with words. Anyone who hits his grown up son is to be excommunicated¹¹Birkei Yosef-Ritvah. But the Rema 240:20 says this applies only to a son who is at least 22 or 24 years old. The Rashal says that only if he is 24 years old is the father excommunicated. for he transgresses the Divine Command, "Do not place a stumbling block before the blind."¹²Leviticus 19,14.

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§19

You must honor your father's wife even though she is not your mother, so long as your father is alive. You are also obligated to honor your mother's husband during your mother's lifetime, and it is proper to honor them even after the passing of your father or mother.

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§20

You must honor your older brother, regardless if he is a brother from your paternal or maternal parent. You must honor your father-in-law and your mother-in-law (as we find that King David, peace be upon him, honored King Saul, who was his father-in-law and called him, "My father," as he said to him, "My father, see and observe"). You must honor your father's father¹³Rema 240:24. The Gra says you must honor your father’s father but not your mother’s father. but honor due your father exceeds that of your grandfather.

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§21

One who truly wishes to honor his father and his mother should involve himself in Torah study and good deeds, for the greatest honor to parents is when people say, "Fortunate are the father and mother who have reared such a son." If the son does not walk in the right path, his parents suffer humiliation because of him, and he embarrasses them with the utmost embarrassment. Also, the father who truly has compassion on his children will involve himself in Torah study and good deeds, and will please God and mankind, and his children will be proud of him. But he who does not walk in the right path brings disgrace on his children. Also children die because of the iniquity of their fathers as it is written,¹⁴Exodus 34:7. "Visiting the iniquity of fathers on children." There is no greater cruelty than causing his children to die of his sins. Nobody has more compassion on his children than the righteous man, for his merit endures for a thousand generations.

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§22

A convert must not curse his non-Jewish father and he must not humiliate him; in order that they not say: "We came from a holiness [religion] that is significant to a holiness that is inferior." He should treat them with some degree of respect.